A void in my heart. Deep, vast. I can barely breathe. Freeze. I cannot move. Tears falling down my cheeks. I hurt him, so he closed down. Distance. Will he ever open up again? I feel scared. I feel scared.
You're gone anew. Tell me. Where are you going, when you leave? Are you coming back? I never know. I never know. Oh! You are back! You are, right? Say, you aren't leaving again, are you? You are here, you say. But for how long? In a blink of an eye, you left again. Are you coming back? I never know. I never know. As I await your return.
Did I do something wrong?
Did I… do something wrong? Did I?
… I did… right?
They left me. People… they… left me.
No. I‘m withdrawing before it can even start.
But why? Why am I doing that? Am I afraid?
Afraid of what? Afraid of being lynched?
Afraid of being driven away?
Afraid of losing myself? Afraid to… die?
Am I afraid? Yes… Yes, I am. I am scared. more “The right to exist”
Say, my beloved, Do I love you? Do I truly love you? My dear friend, tell me: What is love? What does that word mean? What does it mean to love? I love you... I love you. Is that love? Is saying that to love? What I know is, I miss you. I miss you like no one else. I miss you every day. What I know is, I'm longing for you. I long to hear you voice again. I long to see your smile once more. I long to feel your hand in mine. What I know is, That I trust you. I trust you more than anyone on this planet. What I know is, That I know you. I know your heart, gently beating in your chest. What I know is, That I feel you, no matter how far apart. What I know is, That you are with me every step of the way. What I know is, That we are connected throughout worlds and dimensions. Throughout every single star shining in the cosmos. With that, I can truly say: I love you.
Mamoru… Where are you? Why did you go? What happened? Why did you reject me without explaining it to me? You told my cousin, I would have clung too much and that you couldn’t handle the way I was or maybe how I still am.
Thinking of you, I feel safe, imagining being in your arms, knowing though that you wouldn’t want to embrace me like that. Am I abusing you when I am doing that nonetheless? Mamoru… I need you… so much. I need your protection, your understanding, and your confidence, your faithfulness. more “A message to a dear past friend”
Where are you? I am longing for you. Where are you? I feel you somewhere inside of me. I feel you everyday. But who are you? Did we ever meet before? We did. Yes, we did! It feels like we know each other for so long. You are my closest friend. My dear brother. My precious beloved. And yet, I don't remember your face. Who are you? My love, that I feel everyday. I am longing to see you. I am yearning to touch you once again. My loved brother. Where are you? I feel you. Yet, you aren't here. My friend from the farthest past. I need your presence. I'm seeking your gentle eyes. I'm looking for you kind smile. Tell me, my other whole. Where do I find you? Where do I trace your heart? My closest friend. My dear brother. My precious beloved. I feel lost without you in this strange world. Tell me. Where do I find you? When can I look into your soft eyes again. When can I see your gentle smile once more. I'm looking forward for that time to come. Until we meet again, my dear friend.
What is this place? It's dark. Dark. Hey! Do you know where I am? No answer to hear... Silence. Utter, empty silence. Breathe. I have to breathe. Going forward in darkness. Every breath feels heavy. But I have to breathe. Breathe. And another step forward. Forward. In darkness.
Snow. White, cold, snow. A field with colorful flowers. But now, there is only this white, cold substance. Cold indeed. Freezing cold. Nothing is thriving at this moment. Nothing is growing. Only the cold. No living thing in sight. No plant. No animal. No human. Only that white, freezing cold snow. Only snow.
Chapter 1 — A light in the darkness
Somewhere on this planet, there is a very, very dark place. There, you can see nothing, but blackness, which seems to devour everything.
In this place, there is nothing, no one. No one, but one child. That child, you see, isn’t moving. It is sitting in the darkest corner of the room, its head laying between his bent knees, as it is staring into the dark void. It is neither screaming nor crying. It sits and stares, doing nothing. It has no energy left to move a single bone. Time doesn’t flow and so it never ends. more “Healing — A child’s story”